HOLLYWOOD BABBLE #12
Featuring Anna Kendrick
Created by TPG
Disclaimer: This fictional interview was written for entertainment purposes only.
A/N: Saw this interview and knew I had to give it the Hollywood Babble treatment.


"CONAN"
LOS ANGELES, January 26, 2014


CONAN O'BRIEN:
My next guest is an Academy Award Nominated actress who has starred in numerous films including Pitch Perfect, Up In The Air, and The Twilight saga. Please welcome Anna Kendrick!


AUDIENCE APPLAUDS TO GENERIC INTRO MUSIC





CONAN:
Wow. You look gorgeous. Thanks for being here.

KENDRICK:
Aw. Thanks. It's my pleasure. Thank you for having me again.

CONAN:
So. We were speaking briefly backstage and you were telling me about the Grammy awards. I've never been. But you were saying how not only did you attend this year but that you presented an award?

KENDRICK:
Oh. Yeah. It was crazy.

CONAN:
It really is. It's like every year they get ALL the stars in the world and put them in one room.

KENDRICK:
Absolutely.

CONAN:
Who blew you away? Did you get to meet any of your idols?

KENDRICK:
Okay. Well first off. I should explain that I'm TOTALLY obsessed with Beyonce.

CONAN:
Uh-Huh. Were you seated close by? Did you go and talk to her at all?

KENDRICK:
Well. I did make a bit of a detour down the front row so I could pass by her seat.

CONAN:
So you saw her seated in the front row and decided to take a closer look.

KENDRICK:
Yep. I figured I'd just walk past and get some of that Beyonce aura...you know? So I went over during the break and introduced myself. Told her that I was a huge fan and that she was a huge inspiration to me and my friends.

CONAN:
And how did she take it?

KENDRICK:
She stood up and hugged me before we stopped to take several pictures...and I have to be perfectly honest with you. I thought I was going to leave a puddle of the floor.


AUDIENCE LAUGHS





CONAN:
Wow. Err. Okay.

KENDRICK:
Yeah. And that was just the beginning of the evening. It was a wild night in general. I've never been around so many stars before...not to mention Katy Perry finger-banged me in the bathroom backstage. She's so awesome. It was such an awesome night.


CONAN PULLS AWAY FROM DESK IN SHOCK WHILE AUDIENCE CHEERS


CONAN:
Wait. She just does that?

KENDRICK:
Well. It's just. I mean. Let's be honest. I was like totally asking for it that night.

CONAN:
Whaaat? (chuckles nervously)

KENDRICK:
I mean to be fair. If no one had done it to me by the end of the evening I would have been really disappointed.


CONAN IS STILL SHOCKED


CONAN:
Err. Okay. Well. This was an unplanned moment... (sings nervously) and I want to stay RIGHT HERE!!

KENDRICK:
(giggles) What do you want to know?

CONAN:
So paint the scene for us. You're just walking around backstage minding your own business. When Katy Perry suddenly grabs you and...takes advantage?





KENDRICK:
I've actually met her before and it's kind of her thing. She's kind of aggressive like that...but I like it.

CONAN:
Andy are you getting this? This is fantastic!


ANDY NODS


CONAN:
So are the two of you an item now? Are you keeping in touch?

KENDRICK:
Ah. No. Not really. I mean it's only been a few days but I'm hoping something happens. At this point it feels like Katy and I are either going to be the best of friends or I'm going to have to get a restraining order against her. It's that fine line you know?

CONAN:
That's great. Well that relationship is solid. (sarcasm) What are you talking about?

KENDRICK:
Well it started a few months ago when we were both at some event in Beverly Hills. I got up to go to the bathroom and right out of the blue Katy pulls me into some stall and kissed me on the mouth.

CONAN:
Wait. What? Why? How can she do that?

KENDRICK:
I guess she's not kidding when she says "She kissed a Girl and Liked it" huh?

CONAN:
No kidding. (leans forward on his desk) Then what happened?

KENDRICK:
Well after that night I didn't see or hear from her again until a few weeks later when I walked in on her sharing a "moment" with Taylor Swift at some music awards.

CONAN:
Wait. In another bathroom? What is it with this woman and bathrooms? What were they doing?

KENDRICK:
(plays coy) I don't know if I should say.


AUDIENCE HECKLES





CONAN:
Well you better tells us now. Unless you want a riot on your hands.

KENDRICK:
Oh who am I kidding. I was going to tell you guys anyway. They were both making out and doing things to each other that were...let's just say more than friendly if you know what I mean?

CONAN:
Huh?

KENDRICK:
You know. Playing with each other...finger-banging!


CONAN STEPS AWAY FROM HIS DESK AS AUDIENCE CHEERS LOUDLY


CONAN:
Now hold on! (points at the audience) I'll clear this room RIGHT NOW!!

ANDY:
Oh come on. (directs at Conan) They're just happy for Taylor Swift - that she finally hooked up with someone new.


CONAN SITS AND SLAMS MICROPHONE INTO DESK


KENDRICK:
Hey. You asked!

CONAN:
No you're right. I blame myself. Now I understand you also have another movie coming out at the end of the year. I'm almost afraid to ask...but this one has some big names in the cast including actress Emily Blunt?

KENDRICK:
Yeah-Yeah. I know where you're going with this.

CONAN:
What! (throws his hands up in the air) I didn't do anything!!

KENDRICK:
Well unfortunately for me I didn't actually have any scenes with Emily but that didn't stop me from thinking about her every single day on set. By the end of the shoot I think I had an unhealthy crush on her. God knows I played with myself constantly in that trailer.

CONAN:
You did?

KENDRICK:
Sure. You know when someone is so hot and famous that they have this kind of allure to them?

CONAN:
(smug) Uh. Yes. Yes I do. (looks at audience) Why is that funny?





AUDIENCE LAUGHS


KENDRICK:
So I found myself fantasizing about her on a daily basis. I'd just lay around in my trailer reading my lines and frigging myself senseless.

ANDY:
You know. I'm starting to notice a theme here Conan. (interrupts Anna) Are you only into girls? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

CONAN:
No! Not at all.

KENDRICK:
Who me? (giggles) Not at all. Trust me. There are at least three or four guys on that set that can vouch for that. If you know what I mean.

CONAN:
How so?

KENDRICK:
You know. A girl gets lonely on set. Lonely. Horny. Desperate. There's only so much online porn a girl can watch until she needs the real thing.

CONAN:
And what. You just kick open the trailer door and yell "Hello Boys! Wanna get laid?"

KENDRICK:
Not exactly. But. Kind of. Yeah. I guess?

ANDY:
Damn. (looks at Conan) I think we're in the wrong business boss.

CONAN:
Absolutely. So. Not only did you masturbate to one of your female co-stars...but you had sex with various crew members in your trailer too?

KENDRICK:
Err. Yeah. I did. You make it sound like it's a bad thing.

CONAN:
Okay. So that begs the question. Have you had many encounters like that in the past...with male crew members I mean.

KENDRICK:
I'd say my history is about 50/50. You do realize that most if not all of Hollywood is actually gay right?

ANDY:
Really? (sarcasm)





AUDIENCE LAUGHS


KENDRICK:
Trust me. You guys would be surprised how many of your favorite stars eat pussy! ...especially the young ones.

CONAN:
Oh god. (blushes at her language) I'm totally losing control of this interview.

KENDRICK:
In fact just the other night - speaking of The Grammys - a few minutes after my encounter with Katy I actually walked in on some famous faces getting it on backstage.

CONAN:
What the hell is going on at these events? ...and how do I get a ticket!

ANDY:
Anyone we know? Don't worry about them. (waves his hand at the cameras) Just pretend it's us talking privately.

KENDRICK:
Err. Okay. Sure. It was Taylor Swift and Lorde. And they really seemed to have "hit it off" if you will.

ANDY:
What were they doing? Just sucking-face out in the open?

KENDRICK:
Well not exactly. (turns her back to Conan as she chats with Andy) They were hiding out downstairs while sharing a cigarette. But there was definitely something going on between them from the way they were huddled together. I couldn't be sure but I think there was some fingering going on there too.

CONAN:
WHAT! This is unbelievable.

KENDRICK:
I know right. It's pretty wild. It was a lot of fun. And don't even get me started about the after-party. I've never seen so many naked people running around in plain sight in my entire life. It was just insane.

CONAN:
Good Lord. How do I get invited to a party like that?





KENDRICK:
Don't worry. Next year I promise to take you as my date...assuming Katy and I aren't going steady by then.

CONAN:
So I guess over the years you've attended some pretty wild parties then?

KENDRICK:
Absolutely. You have no idea.

CONAN:
What's the wildest party you've ever attended?

KENDRICK:
Really? You want me to say on national television?

ANDY:
Well you've said everything else.

CONAN:
Sure. It's not like ANY of this will ever air on TV. You might as well tell us everything.


AUDIENCE LAUGHS


KENDRICK:
In that case. Let's just say...I'm like a Jedi Master with a Strap-On.

CONAN:
Oh my god. Why did I ask.

ANDY:
Hey. At least she's honest.

KENDRICK:
And not to boast but if you only knew who I had sex with - while strapped with one of those devices - you'd be very impressed. I only bring it up cause I'm so proud. Something I've been able to cross off my bucket list.

ANDY:
Who was it? Can we guess?

CONAN:
Andy. No!

KENDRICK:
Well I can give you three guesses but you'll only need one...a hot little number by the name of Miss Veronica Mars.

CONAN:
Wait. You've had sex with Kristen Bell?

KENDRICK:
If you call POUNDING Kristen senseless with a black strap-on dildo for several minutes sex. Yeah.


AUDIENCE CHEERS LOUDLY





CONAN:
That's insane!

KENDRICK:
Tell me about it. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. I still can't look Kristen in the eye to this day. In fact every time we bump into each other she runs away. But it was totally worth it.

ANDY:
Maybe next time you should let her eff you at a party.

CONAN:
ANDY!

ANDY:
What? I said Eff. Not F-U-C-K!


AUDIENCE LAUGHS LOUDLY AS CONAN WALKS AWAY FROM HIS DESK



KENDRICK:
You're so bad. (she directs at Andy before they high-five)

ANDY:
I'm bad? I'm not the one going around finger-banging and having strap-on sex with all these young girls!

KENDRICK:
But you wish you could right? (grins) Yeah. That's what I thought.

CONAN:
So...Speaking of sex.

ANDY:
Nice segway boss.

CONAN:
Thanks pal. So...Speaking of sex. I've always wanted to ask you about a recent tweet you made where you mentioned something about getting caught masturbating in public?

KENDRICK:
Huh? Oh. Yeah. That was awhile ago...but totally real. Funny story.


AUDIENCE WOOF WHISTLES


CONAN:
Why don't you explain to the audience what happened.

KENDRICK:
Well. There's nothing to explain really.

CONAN:
I think the tweet read: "Ugh. NEVER going to a Ryan Gosling movie in a theater again. Apparently masturbating in the back row is still considered "inappropriate." ...so go ahead. Try and explain that one. (laughs)

KENDRICK:
(blushes) Well...





ANDY:
I think the quote speaks for itself Conan.

KENDRICK:
Exactly.


AUDIENCE LAUGHS


CONAN:
So care to explain what happened? Did someone actually catch you screwing around in a movie theater?

KENDRICK:
Um. Yes and no.

CONAN:
What the hell does that mean?

KENDRICK:
Yes. Someone caught me getting off in the back row but no I didn't get in trouble. In fact they weren't exactly offended by it if you know what I mean.

CONAN:
No. I don't know what you mean. What are you saying?

KENDRICK:
What I mean is we both ended up having a little fun in the back row...watching each other get off.


AUDIENCE WOOF WHISTLES


CONAN:
Wait. Did you even know this guy?

KENDRICK:
Nope. But that's what made it so hot! The two of us just sitting in the back row mutually masturbating in a packed movie theater. I'd be lying if I said that shit didn't turn me on like crazy.

ANDY:
What was he wearing?


AUDIENCE LAUGHS





CONAN:
Andy! Never mind that. What were you wearing?

KENDRICK:
Just the usual...jeans and a t-shirt. What can I say Ryan Gosling has that effect on me. I got caught up in the moment and when I realized there were a few vacant seats around me I just let my fingers do some walking...slipped those slippery suckers inside my panties and had some fun.

CONAN:
And some guy just watched you the entire time?

KENDRICK:
Yeah. At first I froze up when I realized I had an audience. But when I noticed that he was doing the exact same thing - beating off to me just a few seats away - I continued to rub my clit and watched him stroke his cock.


AUDIENCE LAUGHS


CONAN:
Wow. Have you done that sort of thing before?

KENDRICK:
I have to admit (grins shyly) it's not an isolated incident. It's actually something I really like to do. I guess you could call me a bit of an exhibitionist.

ANDY:
Does it only happen during Ryan Gosling movies?


AUDIENCE SNICKERS


KENDRICK:
Mostly. But sometimes if I'm feeling particularly randy it doesn't matter what I'm watching. I just slide my hand inside my pants and play with myself until I cum.

CONAN:
Forgive me for asking but does it work? What I mean is...can you actually get off like that?

KENDRICK:
Sure. Absolutely. Some of the best orgasms I've ever had were in public places. It's a curse I guess. The more dangerous it is the more excited I get. I was a lot wilder in my teen years. One of my favorite places to go was the public library. When I think back to some of the things I got away with back then it even shocks me.





CONAN:
You mean masturbating in public?

KENDRICK:
No. I mean everything. Masturbating. Sex. Blowjobs. 3-ways. You name it. I guess I've never been shy when it comes to that sort of thing. I like sex. And I don't mind telling people that.

CONAN:
Well... (looks nervous) I think we're just about out of time.


AUDIENCE SIGHS


CONAN:
What? At least you people got to see this interview. (yells at audience) Trust me. There's no way any part of this will ever air!

ANDY:
Well at least it was fun.

KENDRICK:
Aw. Thanks Andy.

ANDY:
My pleasure. You can thank me with a handjob out back if it means that much to you.


AUDIENCE LAUGHS


CONAN:
Yep. She's definitely a fun girl. (looks at the audience) Will you please help me thank Anna Kendrick!


FADE TO COMMERCIAL




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