HOLLYWOOD BABBLE #14
Featuring Kristin Stewart, Avril Lavigne, Katy Perry
Created by TPG
Disclaimer: This fictional interview was written for entertainment purposes only.
A/N: Just another perverted interview from my over-active mind.


"CONAN"
LOS ANGELES, November 14, 2012


CONAN O'BRIEN:
My first guest is the star of the blockbuster hit franchise Twilight, which premieres its last and final installment this Friday. We're thrilled she's here...please welcome, Kristen Stewart!


BAND PLAYS TO THE SOUND OF APPLAUSE





CONAN:
Good-Lord, you look amazing as always. Thank you for being here.

K-STEW:
Thanks man. Thank you for having me.

CONAN:
So much to talk about. First of all, you know what I really liked about this film, we get to see you be a real bad-ass vampire. So much more aggressive than in previous movies.

K-STEW:
Pretty much.

CONAN:
Seems like your character is much more sexually aware and assertive than before.

K-STEW:
Yeah. (nods) I guess she finally gets to be on top...just how I like it.

CONAN:
Err. Yeah. (blushes) ...okay.


AUDIENCE CHUCKLES


K-STEW:
Yeah um, it feels good. She's finally arrived, and is quite the handful.

CONAN:
Like in one of the sex scenes, I noticed that they seemed to be going for this new technique...where they only shoot your face up close?

K-STEW:
Yep. (sarcasm) It's always nice to see your own reflection while you're trying to get off.

CONAN:
What. Am I the only one that does that?

K-STEW:
Um. No thanks. Not me. I can't look at myself while I'm rubbing one out.

CONAN:
(laughing) Rubbing one out?

K-STEW.
Sure. What would you call it?


CONAN ATTEMPTS TO CHANGE THE TOPIC


CONAN:
So...with this being the last film in the series, are fans more emotional than last time. Because I seem to remember there being a lot of screaming and crying, and people just losing their minds at the premiere.





K-STEW:
Um. It's funny. I mean, they're all sweet and whatever, but as the films have gone along I seem to catch the interest of more and more perverts.

CONAN:
How so?

K-STEW:
Like, just the other day I was surfing online and found clips of guys beating off to my photos?

CONAN:
To your photos?

K-STEW:
Yup. It's a lot more disturbing than it sounds.

CONAN:
Really? How could you tell?

K-STEW:
Trust me. It becomes pretty obvious a few seconds into the clips when they ejaculate all over my pics.


AUDIENCE LAUGHS


CONAN:
Wait. What? ...they do that?

K-STEW:
(nods) Afraid so.

CONAN:
Okay wait. Forgive me for asking but...how did you stumble across those clips in the first place?

K-STEW:
Yes. Okay. I admit it, I was looking for porn when I found them. Still. It doesn't make it any less creepy.

CONAN:
That explains it.

K-STEW
I guess I shouldn't be too surprised though. There was a lot more craziness with the first two films...a lot of fakes and stuff.

CONAN:
Fakes?

K-STEW
Yeah you know, photo-shopped pictures of me naked and having sex with various cast members and god knows who else.

CONAN:
I guess you have to expect that when you're in a billion-dollar franchise as big as this, and for this many years. Do you know what you're going to do next?





K-STEW:
Um, no. Not really. I'm pretty much unemployed right now so...I'm willing to do whatever it takes for that special role. Do you know anybody?


CONAN APPEARS SURPRISED


K-STEW:
...just kidding! (giggling) No. I've actually been working on a new project up in Quebec, something a little more adult orientated.

CONAN:
I was going to say. You must get all kinds of scripts thrown at you now, from people who desperately want you to be in their movies. Are you getting roles that are more out there, that are different from what you're used to?

K-STEW:
Absolutely. Some real weird shit too.

CONAN:
(laughing) Like what?

K-STEW:
Like the whole "girl power" thing? Seems most of the stuff I get now is themed around "female empowerment" ...or just straight up lesbian stuff. I guess I make a convincing dyke.

CONAN:
Have any of the scripts interested you?

K-STEW:
Some. (grinning) Depends on who's already attached to the film.

CONAN:
Do you have a wish list of sorts? ...people you've always wanted to sleep with, on camera I mean.

K-STEW:
Sure. Doesn't everyone? For me I've always wanted to work with someone like Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Stone.


ANDY RICHTER CHIMES IN


ANDY:
It almost sounds like a dating service or something...going through online profiles.

CONAN:
I know right.

K-STEW:
Sometimes it can feel that way. Especially the blind line reads. They call you out of the blue, you meet up, read your lines, make out with some girl you've never met, and leave.

CONAN:
Sounds exhausting.





K-STEW:
It can be. Sometimes I show up for three, four lines reads a day...it's a lot of making out.

CONAN:
So is it true, that in your next project you're completely naked?

K-STEW:
Not just naked, but I have a lot of sex too...a three-way no less.


AUDIENCE WOOF WHISTLES


CONAN:
Really?

K-STEW:
Me and two guys, actually. I also give two guys a handjob in a car as we're driving down the highway.

CONAN:
Wow. Um...

K-STEW:
But trust me, it's not as bad as it sounds.

CONAN:
If you say so.

K-STEW:
I mean most of it is merely implied, but I am naked during the scene, and insist on being as authentic as possible.

CONAN:
So you do give the guys handjobs?

K-STEW:
Maybe. (grinning) I guess you'll just have to go watch the film to find out.

CONAN:
I also hear you tried to quit smoking recently, was that tough?

K-STEW
To tell you the truth I don't think I was so much addicted to nicotine, as I was to just wanting something hard in my mouth.


AUDIENCE CHEERS


CONAN:
Is that right?

K-STEW:
Besides, I started to notice that I only ever smoked after sex.





CONAN:
Oh, so. It wasn't that bad. Maybe once or twice a week?

K-STEW:
Ha. Speak for yourself man. I'm still a pack-a-week girl.


CONAN POUTS AND LOOKS AT THE CAMERA


CONAN:
...Damn!!

K-STEW:
Although I should clarify, sex to me includes masturbation, if that helps? ...and I usually have one or two cigarettes in the morning without fail. Even before I get out of bed. Wait. What am I saying? ...why did I just tell you that?

CONAN:
I dunno but I'm glad you did. (looks at camera) We all are, especially youtube.

K-STEW
Ah. (nods) The internet...free porn man!

CONAN:
Speaking of porn, I also heard that for all those intense scenes...you apparently have an unusual technique, and like to watch a certain video for inspiration?

K-STEW:
How do you know about that? (blushing)

CONAN:
(smug) I know everything.

ANDY:
He really does. He makes it his business to know inside stuff like that.

CONAN:
Care to share who your inspiration is?

K-STEW:
Yup. Her name is Gianna Michaels and she's fucking awesome!

CONAN:
Now she's a pornstar am I right? And I understand there is a certain video you like to watch, over and over again?

K-STEW:
Yeah. It's Gianna surrounded by a room full of guys.

CONAN:
Her and a few guys?

K-STEW
No. Not just a few guys...an entire room! Easily a dozen or so men.





CONAN:
So is that something that interests you? ...you like watching those kind of videos?

K-STEW:
Sometimes. I guess. Depends what mood I'm in. Most times I like to get off to female masturbation videos, but every now and then I just love to watch some girl get FUCKED!

CONAN:
Have you ever experienced anything like that in your personal life?

K-STEW:
Not really. But I'm still young. I like to think that one day I can try it...especially since it's a personal fantasy of mine.

CONAN:
Considering your fan base I don't think that should be a problem.

K-STEW:
Oh really? (giggling) ...you think my fans what to gang bang me Conan?

ANDY:
Hey. I have it on good authority that "sharing is caring."

CONAN:
(laughing) Hey. You could always do it here on our show, and we could tape it!


AUDIENCE CHEERS


K-STEW:
Meh. I don't think so. Besides. If worse comes to worse I'll just move to France for a few months, like what Avril [Lavigne] did, and experience all my deepest, darkest fantasies anonymously.

CONAN:
Is that what she did?

K-STEW:
That's what I heard. I heard she ended up working in a sex club in Paris for a few weeks and experienced all of her wildest fantasies.

CONAN:
Is that something you'd like to do? ...have anonymous sex?

K-STEW:
Sure, are you kidding? ...who wouldn't?

CONAN:
Is there any particular thing you've always wanted to try? ...aside from getting gang-banged I mean.

K-STEW:
Like I said I like to be on top...but that's only when its 1-on-1. But my other fantasy would probably involve more than three participants. I've always had a fascination with getting DP'ed.


ANDY RICHTER LEANS IN AGAIN






ANDY:
For those at home who don't know what that is—

K-STEW:
(interrupts) ...it's double penetration! Everyone knows that. That's when you have two guys inside you at the same time.

CONAN:
And that turns you on?

K-STEW:
You have no idea. I can watch that shit all day long.

CONAN:
So I guess we know what you're motivations were for signing up to that "On The Road" film.

K-STEW:
Well let's just say I aced the audition.

CONAN:
How so?

K-STEW:
I had to prove to the director that I was comfortable with sex, that I wasn't uptight about getting naked and showing a more kinkier side to my personality. So I stripped off and gave him a "private" show, followed up with a pretty epic handjob.

CONAN:
Solo show?

K-STEW:
Yeah, you know...masturbation.

CONAN:
That's all it took? So you merely played with yourself and then beat him off?

K-STEW:
Trust me. If you do it right that's all you need. That and a dirty mouth.

CONAN:
Is that the secret? ...you can vouch for that can you?

K-STEW:
Absolutely. Let's just say I've been known to throw around a few sexy expletives.

CONAN:
Can you give us an example?


KRISTEN BLUSHES AS THE AUDIENCE WOOF WHISTLES





K-STEW:
Um. Sure... (leans into her mic) "C'mon baby, I want that hot load in my mouth!"

CONAN:
Wow.

ANDY:
(faking anger) Do you kiss your mother with that mouth!

K-STEW
What, too much?

CONAN:
Is it true that you once worked an entire weekend in a strip club in New Orleans, in preparation of your role in "Welcome to the Riley's?"

K-STEW:
Maybe (grinning) ...why, what have you heard?

CONAN:
I heard you researched the role "extensively." Care to share some of your experiences? ...was it harder than you thought?

K-STEW:
It was actually a TON of fun. I got away with so much shit there. I made some decent cash too.

ANDY:
(interrupts) Didn't anyone recognize you?

K-STEW:
Not really. I had one guy comment that he thought I looked like "someone famous" but he was too distracted with my topless lap dance to care.

CONAN:
Wait. Isn't that illegal? ...being naked, I mean.

K-STEW:
Yes and no. Depends what part of the country you're in. And down in New Orleans anything goes. Anything for a quick buck.

CONAN:
Did it ever get out of control? Did you feel safe working there?

K-STEW:
Absolutely. Safety wasn't really the issue. I was more concerned with leaving my customers happy and wanting more.

ANDY:
Does that mean you gave "aggressive" lap dances?

K-STEW:
(grins) And then some.

CONAN:
What was one of the wildest things you were asked to do? ...and be honest.





K-STEW:
Well this one night I had a group of stockbrokers fly in from New York who were celebrating a bucks party. I took them backstage and performed a naked solo show, but was so turned on by the entire experience I actually blew one of them.

ANDY:
You seem to like giving these solo shows huh?

K-STEW:
Yup. I'm a performer at heart. A real exhibitionist, I guess.

CONAN:
...and they just sat there and watched?

K-STEW:
Well, one of them did. He actually seemed really shy and uncomfortable. But the other four dudes actually whacked off to my performance.

CONAN:
Wait a minute. Just. Wait a minute.


AUDIENCE CHUCKLES


CONAN:
A group of men, take you into a private room upstairs to watch you get off, and they end up jacking off in front of each other? You don't find that a little gay?

K-STEW:
Are you serious? That's like a standard night in the club. You don't even want to know about some of the kinkier shit that goes on behind closed doors.

ANDY:
So then what happened? How did it end?

K-STEW:
It ended with me blowing the groom while all of his friends stood around and shot their loads all over my body. It was actually pretty hot.

CONAN:
Seriously?!

K-STEW:
Yep. I was literally covered in spunk! It was a real turn on for me. A fantasy I can tick of my bucket list.

CONAN:
And none of them recognized you?

K-STEW:
Actually, I think one of them did – the shy one – but fortunately for me he didn't say anything. I think he was still trying to convince himself that I was who he thought I was.

CONAN:
(appears shocked) So then they just zipped up and left?

K-STEW:
(giggling) Not before giving me a huge tip.






ANDY:
So how much did you make for that little performance? ...including the rest of the night?

K-STEW:
That night, after giving the boss his cut, I went home with about fifty-eight hundred in my pocket.


AUDIENCE AUDIBLY GASPS


CONAN:
HOLY GOD. That much!

K-STEW:
Yeah. Not bad for a few hours work.

ANDY:
Boss. I think we're in the wrong business.

CONAN:
So, stupid question but, what did you do with all that money.

K-STEW:
I actually splurged on the house. Bought a motorbike for Rob, and the rest I blew on sex toys.

CONAN:
Huh?

K-STEW:
I had my eye on this Sybian machine.


FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER HOLLERS EXCITEDLY


K-STEW:
See. She knows what it is!

ANDY:
Clearly.

K-STEW:
Anyways, I set up a little playroom in my house where I have all my toys, and when my friends come over we have a little fun.

CONAN:
These friends. Anyone we'd know?

K-STEW:
Not really.

CONAN:
C'mon. Tell us the truth.





KRISTEN BLUSHES


K-STEW:
I don't know if I should say.

CONAN:
Is Katy Perry one of your friends?


(Kristen refuses to speak and simply grins shyly)


K-STEW:
Maybe.

ANDY:
Wow. So you have Katy Perry coming over to use your Sybian. Don't the neighbors complain about all that noise?

K-STEW:
It's a lot of fun man. I highly recommend people buying one. It's definitely changed my life.

CONAN:
Well. We've run out of time. I wish we could talk more about your "play" room and sex toy parties. I guess we'll have something to discuss next time you're in town.


CONAN READS HIS CARD


CONAN:
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, premieres this weekend across the country. Do yourself a favor and make sure to check it out. Please thank my guest, Kristen Stewart!


FADE TO COMMERCIAL






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