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Thread: Jokes and Comedy thread

  1. #1
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    Chat Jokes and Comedy thread

    Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?

    the wedding wasn't that great but the reception was amazing.



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    Default The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

    The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
    her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
    the entrance.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....
    nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
    the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
    you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

    "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
    Why do they name so many towns after water towers?

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  4. #3
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    Default

    Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteers be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

    Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteers be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

    lol, weird right?

  5. #4
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    Default Medical Center

    Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with the same
    complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

    The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and
    has a time booked for surgery the following week.

    The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment,
    then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't
    reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6
    months from then.

    Why the different treatment for the two patients?

    The first is a Golden Retriever.

    The second is a Senior Citizen.
    Why do they name so many towns after water towers?

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  7. #5
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    Default Trouble Family problems

    Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

    One of them kept complaining of family problems.

    Finally, the other man said:
    "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

    "A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
    We got married and got myself a stepdaughter.
    Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
    That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.
    And my father became my stepson.
    Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law".

    "Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
    This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
    But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.
    That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

    "This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother.
    This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"

    "And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"


    ----------
    - Lisa

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    Default

    Bloke goes to the doctors and says
    "Doctor Doctor, I have 5 penises."
    The Doctor replies
    "What a load of bollocks.

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  10. #7
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    Default

    lol jon, i like that one

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    Default

    Haha funny, made me lol

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    Default

    What is tose proeski's new hit? Tose on the road!

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    Default Here's a few

    A man named Mike went over to his friend's house and rang the bell. His friend's wife, Nora, answered the door.

    "Hi, is Tony home?" he asked her.

    "No, he went to the store."

    "Well, you mind if I wait?"

    "No, come on in."

    They sat down and shortly Mike said, "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could see just one."

    Nora thought about this for a second, and thought about how badly they needed the money right now. She opened her robe and exposed one. Mike promptly thanked her and put $100 on the table.

    They sat there a while longer, and Mike said, "They are so beautiful! I'd love to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."

    Nora thought about this for a moment, then opened her robe and gave Mike a nice big look. Mike thanked her and threw another $100 on the table. Then he said he couldn't wait any longer for Tony and left.

    A while later, Tony arrived and Nora said, "You know, your weird friend Mike came over while you were gone."

    Tony turned and said, "Good. Did he drop off the $200 he owed me?"




    A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down. He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road.

    She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind..."

    Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"



    and heres the last one for now

    So you're glad you're a chick? Well, I'm glad I'm a guy.
    So have a seat, missy, and I'll tell ya why
    I'm so glad I'm a man, I could stand and applaud
    That I don't have to live life as a broad.

    We do the same work, but I'm better paid.
    There's honor and not shame for me when I get laid.
    I can get head in a restaurant booth.
    Mechanics will (usually) tell me the truth.

    I can go sit at a bar all alone
    Without twenty drunk losers inviting me home.
    Workmen and service men never do hassle me.
    Car CD players don't simply baffle me.

    I can reach stuff hidden on the top shelf.
    I can change light bulbs all by myself.
    No one expects anything when I just flirt.
    I don't have to wear dumb stuff like hose or a skirt.

    My underwear's cotton, and three for eight bucks.
    Bras are expensive and WIRE - that sucks.
    I get to buy cool stuff like hammers and drills.
    You have to buy makeup and birth control pills.

    Never will I suffer from PMS.
    It takes me ten minutes to shower and dress.
    Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
    I don't have a purse full of useless old stuff.

    None of my co-workers can make me cry.
    When someone fails to call, I don't give a shit why.
    I never will need an electrician or plumber.
    I can date someone much younger and dumber.

    I'm GLAD I'm a guy, with two balls and a dick,
    So I don't have to live life as a chick.
    I revel in guy-hood with joy I can't squelch,
    And I'll celebrate every scratch, every belch.

    "Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I!?"

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