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Thread: Jokes, Memes, Funny thread

  1. #11
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    hahaha, thanks Bigk65!

  2. #12
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    There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

    The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

    With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

    "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"



    Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees--always willing to work overtime and go the extra mile when needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees; he would have to lay one off.

    But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

    Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

    Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

    And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

  3. #13
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    There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

    The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

    So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

    To which the man replied, "No, its average!"



    A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

    "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"

  4. #14
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    A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

    Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50
    Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50
    Hand Job: $10.00

    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

    "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

    "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

    "Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

    The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"



    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

    That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

    As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

    The man answered, "Not that well... When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

  5. #15
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    Whats better than eating a mandarin. eating amanda out.
    :batman:RUSTY

  6. #16
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    A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

    So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

    The guy there says, "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

    "What's a penguin?"

    "You'll see!!!"

    So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.

    Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!?"

  7. #17
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    Charles Bukowski (on writing)
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    A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

    They make love for hours and afterwards while they're just lying there the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

    "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. Well. I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time. Oh, that sounds terrific. Thanks. Okay. Bye."

    She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

    "Oh." she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."


  8. #18
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    A doctor goes to sign a form... reaches behind his ear and pulls out a suppository,
    "Damn" says the doctor "some arsehole's got my pen."

    Two men walk into a bar... you think one of them might have seen it.

    Two termites walk into a bar... one says to the other
    "Alright, so where's the bartender?"
    It only hurts when I'm awake.

  9. #19
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    TPG is online now 'Unless the sun inside you
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    Charles Bukowski (on writing)
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    Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
    A: One. The rest are all true stories.



  10. #20
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    TPG is online now 'Unless the sun inside you
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    Charles Bukowski (on writing)
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    Zach Galifianakis on Letterman in 2000, with guest host Janeane Garofalo (back when she was hot!)



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