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Thread: Jokes and Comedy thread

  1. #11
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    Here you go one with a moral, its always good to learn

    A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side.

    The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I know, if we run and jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side."

    The cat responds, "Okay, let's give it a try."

    The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the the bag and starts devouring the chicken feed.

    The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.

    The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!




    For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

    "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

    The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

    "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

    Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."




    A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle Me Elmo dolls." It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

    On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

    The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."

  2. #12
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    hahaha, thanks Bigk65!

  3. #13
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    There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

    The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

    With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

    "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"



    Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees--always willing to work overtime and go the extra mile when needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees; he would have to lay one off.

    But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

    Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

    Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

    And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

  4. #14
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    There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

    The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

    So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

    To which the man replied, "No, its average!"



    A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

    "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!"

  5. #15
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    A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

    Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50
    Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50
    Hand Job: $10.00

    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

    "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

    "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

    "Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

    The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"



    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

    That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

    As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

    The man answered, "Not that well... When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

  6. #16
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    Whats better than eating a mandarin. eating amanda out.
    :batman:RUSTY

  7. #17
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    A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

    So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

    The guy there says, "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

    "What's a penguin?"

    "You'll see!!!"

    So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.

    Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!?"

  8. #18
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    A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

    They make love for hours and afterwards while they're just lying there the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

    "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. Well. I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time. Oh, that sounds terrific. Thanks. Okay. Bye."

    She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

    "Oh." she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."


  9. #19
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    A doctor goes to sign a form... reaches behind his ear and pulls out a suppository,
    "Damn" says the doctor "some arsehole's got my pen."

    Two men walk into a bar... you think one of them might have seen it.

    Two termites walk into a bar... one says to the other
    "Alright, so where's the bartender?"
    It only hurts when I'm awake.

  10. #20
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    Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
    A: One. The rest are all true stories.



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